General consensus regarding Phil Emery’s head coaching search has gone 50-50. While some argue he’s simply being thorough, others think his long list of candidates has gotten out of hand. But, consensus turned in favor of the ridiculous when it was learned the Bears GM spent all Monday afternoon interviewing a head of iceberg lettuce to fill the head coaching vacancy for the team. The reason: he accidentally confused his grocery list with his coaching candidate list.

“We just figured he was preparing lunch,” said Ted Phillips after seeing Emery escort a head of lettuce into Halas Hall. “But when I found out he was actually giving an interview, naturally I became a bit concerned. I couldn’t believe he’d fire Lovie and end up hiring lettuce. Their personalities are pretty much the same, but I know Lovie could out-coach it any day of the week.”

Emery inspired an unusual confidence in Bears fans with his press conference. He seemed to know what he was talking about. But now that’s all changed.

“I feel like I was duped. I was hoping for Jon Gruden or even Bill Cowher, but lettuce? Did anybody drug test this guy before he was hired a year ago?” asked Tim Klages, a long-suffering Bear fan from Elgin. “And why iceberg? Everybody knows that Romaine is a lot more nutritious.”

As strange as it seemed, Bears fans can breathe a sigh of relief in knowing that the lettuce will most likely not be the Bears new head coach, as the interview reportedly did not go very well. Sources said the lettuce was being difficult, refusing to answer any of Emery’s questions. When asked to leave, the lettuce just sat there, angering Emery, who then threw the lettuce out of his office. Emery was about to bring in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s for an interview, but luckily a staffer informed Emery of the mistake he made, saving the befuddled GM additional embarrassment.

Further adding to the story is the report that Emery’s wife got into an argument with the manager at a local grocery store over why they don’t stock any Mike McCoy.

“Frankly, I thought the lady was crazy, but after I found out what her husband was up to, it doesn’t surprise me one bit,” said Jack Lawson, the store’s manager. “All I’m gonna say is that if we end up with a piece of produce as our head coach, I’m becoming a Packers fan.”

Michael Kloempken