Breaking!

"This will be better than Madonna, Ashlee Simpson and Milli Vanilli all rolled up into one," she said. "I've been studying 'Blame it on the Rain' for weeks and I think I can top it."

"We've petitioned the state government to receive historical status for the Silverdome," said a spokesman. "As the home of the Lions for nearly 30 years, it's been the site of some of sport's ugliest drunken fan brawls ever. Also a few awesome Barry Sanders runs!"

After an exciting overtime victory over the Stars improved their record to 4-0-0 Thursday night -- which marks the team's best start since the 1972-1973 season -- the Blackhawks are now projected by most analysts to finish the season with an undefeated 48-0-0 record. While doing so, they will also make sure that no child has to go to bed hungry ever again.

On a Facebook account linked to Diana Olczyk, this post was discovered during the second period of Saturday's Philadelphia-Pittsburgh game: "One thing Eddie didn't miss from the lockout was hearing that someone 'shuffleboarded' a puck out of the zone. Who does that anyway?"

In a shocking exposé that has cast a shadow over the entire NBA, Deadspin.com released a report alleging that, while the Lakers thought they had traded for perennial All-Star Dwight Howard, they actually acquired former Portland Trailblazer Greg Oden.

"Let's face it," Bowman said. "Nobody expected this coming out of the lockout. We jump out to a 3-0 start, now I've got the other general managers mad at me and Gary [Bettman] calling me to remind me that the NFL is so popular because of parity and all that. It's a headache."

“People said I should live in the weight room and here I am," said Carimi. "All I’m asking for is some living quarters."