Breaking!

"I'm not here to talk about Christian Ponder, or my habit of putting the opposing quarterback into a headlock until they say 'uncle' every time I beat them in a regular season game," said Suh.

The season kicks off on April 4 at Wrigley Field against Horner Park Little League BLUE followed by a three game series with Horner Park Little League RED. The club’s first road trip takes them to Schaumburg to face the Renegades, who won the Northwest Suburban League in 2013 with a record of 55-2.

"We strive for the halftime show to be a thing of derision, but we've not had our fans openly hate the Super Bowl halftime show since we got the Black Eyed Peas. So naturally, if we wanted to piss everyone off, we needed to get the most petulant, spoiled, overrated musicians we could think of to play along with Bruno, and Miley and Justin were at the top of our list," said Goodell.

"This will give the league a ton of exposure," said Vinnie Andruzzi, commissioner of the Rex Ryan Puts The "Foot" In Football League. "Maybe we can have our draft televised on Fox Sports 1 to help it get better ratings."

"Sure, 32 points is a lot for us," said Bradley. "But we looked really good on that blocked-punt safety yesterday. Maybe we can squeak out a few more of those. A couple field goals and an MJD TD here or there and we've got a great chance at 32 points this season."

"This is amazing!" said Stan Grokowski, wearing a No. 19 Bernie Kosar jersey while walking along the Browns parade route on Euclid Ave. "Sure, we're winless, but we're still in first place. Do you have any idea how great that feels?"

Tensions spilled over during Sunday's Cubs-Brewers game in the fifth inning when a large group of knife wielding rats decided to have a rumble with their arch nemesis the Wrigley seagulls.