Breaking!

“We’ve been draining every ounce of energy from this song for several years,” said Bowman. “Honestly, at this point it’s become way too humble. Seriously. We’ve got rings, plural. Girls. Whirlpools. The guys are popping out babies left and right. It’s time to rap about it.”

“We wanted to send a special message that here in Miami, no matter how many times a whistle-blower or informant tries to betray our city by speaking out against emotional abuse and workplace harassment, the ‘Miami Strong’ community is here to stand behind our angry and abusive brothers.”

Saying they believe in giving people second and third chances, the Chicago Cubs announced they have hired former Cub Milton Bradley, currently serving a 3-year prison sentence, to be their new radio analyst.

With every point the Hawks tally in the standings between now and game day, we're going to raise the price a dollar, which means the time to buy is now! Also, tickets will be filled in order of purchase (best seats go to the earlier purchasers) and quantities are extremely limited so get in on this right away.

"I don't care that the team said his departure from the game was precautionary and that Rose himself said he's not going to miss any time from it," said Stanley Chell, a self-described "die-hard Bulls fan" from Naperville. "I'm sure he's done for the season. He'll probably never play again."

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

Play along as Jay's groin is the talk of the town.