Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Detroit Lions Suh-perior performance in The Windy City! Lions nip Bears 21-19 in a duel of dominating receivers (Megatron & Brandon Marshall each score 2 TDs).
9 – San Francisco 49ers Slugfest in ‘’cisco! San Fran drops 10-9 decision to Panthers (I scored the fight 10-8 on my scorecard). Defending NFC champs net only 151 total yards.
8 – Carolina Panthers Panthers win fifth straight behind a “D” that held the 49ers out of the end zone while holding Colin Kaepernick to 91 passing yards (sacking him 6 times). High Five Cam!
7 – New England Patriots (bye) Bill Belichick holds a film watching contest vs. John Gruden & Ron Jaworski. Only Belichick walks out of the room.
6 – Indy Colts Somehow they get stomped by St. Louis 38-8 at home as Tavon Austin floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee, scoring long TDs, a total of three.
5 – New Orleans Saints N.O. might have their sainthood taken back considering their horrible treatment of the Cowboys, sacking Tony Romo 3 times in 49-17 spanking.
4 – Kansas City Chiefs (bye) Turns out the Baby Andy Reid is actually Andy Reid’s son (proven via paternity test on Maury Povich).
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks Russell rips Falcons (who resemble waddling Penguins more than any bird of prey these days) 33-10. Wilson passes for two scores/287 yards.
2 – Denver Broncos Denver detonates the Demaryius bomb in San Diego (WR Thomas, this week’s Master of Disaster, scores 3 TDs in 28-20 victory).
1 – Oakland Raiders This fall season’s top fashion colors: Silver & Black. Wear ’em, chumps!

Program note – The November 17th edition of the un-televised NFL pre-game show starring myself and Marv Levy (sponsored by Mennen & Wheaties) takes an in-depth look at the toughest team in NFL history: the now defunct Portland Punishers. From 1945 to 1956 the squad, coached by “Nail Tooth” Nelson, won 5 NFL titles featuring such players as “Brass Knuckles” Porter, “Shotgun Wielding” Smith & “Fancy Pants” Nelson. More opponents of the Punishers died in 1950 than Americans killed in car crashes.

Patrick O. Elia