Breaking!

"On behalf of the Ricketts family and the entire Chicago Cubs franchise, we are embarrassed by this type of behavior," said Epstein. "Mr. Clark will no longer have access to Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr, you guys get the idea. Additionally, we do not condone the phrase, 'makin' it rain.'"

"I'm not even on his team and I think he deserves the Vezina," said Tukka Rask. "Did you see the goaltending he did? Neither did I! That's how good he is!"

Another headline that didn’t make the cut came from Kenny Mayne: “Jameis Winston defense doesn’t have a crableg to stand on.”

Stiviano and Clark reportedly met at the Sheraton Chicago Hotel and Towers during Cubs Convention 2014. Stiviano didn’t plan on being on the hotel to meet the true love of her life. She actually was there just hoping to meet young up-and-coming Cubs player.

"Mr. Winston is young, high profile, with great long-term earning potential and always seeming to get caught up in some sort of legal drama," said the publication's business editor Bill Freeman. "That's a defense attorney's dream right there."

"We don't have a game tonight?" Toews asked, rolling his eyes. "Can we just get this started already? When did we last play? Sunday? Let's go! We're all bored in the locker room. Trust me you don't want Kaner to have additional time on his hands. Let's just play St. Louis again. Sharpie even suggested we'll give them another two-game lead."

“It may be unconventional to have a playoff team in the lottery,” stated Silver. “But I can’t in good conscience ignore the plight of a team that fails to score 70 points in an elimination game.”