Breaking!

“This will kill two birds, or perhaps better stated, two seagulls with one stone,” said Crane Kenney, Cubs President of Business Operations. “First off, we won’t have to remove any bricks from this historic landmark, and secondly, our relief pitchers will most likely never make an appearance ever again.”

"We have come to the realization that the league's approach to banned substances was all backwards," Epstein told reporters. "The problem was not the 'rogue abuser' but the 'goody two-shoes' holdouts who refused to dope. PEDs are a powerful tool, and they are going to power us all the way to the World Series."

An op-ed piece from Seth Jaffe, a Heckler writer born and raised in Southern California: If you grew up Los Angeles like I did, then there is only one thing on your mind this weekend, and that’s hockey, unless of course you have Coachella tickets or know somebody who can get you into SkyBar.

With only minimal time to brush up on his spelling skills, the Yale alumnus is training for the Spelling Bee furiously. Part of Epstein's training regiment includes making a spelling wall on the team’s unused whiteboard for mid-season playoff acquisitions.

Cubs President Theo Epstein said fans shouldn't worry, assuring them that everything is coming along to his plan.

Clark Wong -- the loser Kings fan who might be pressing charges against Corey Crawford for an incident Monday night -- is now attempting to make a similar case against Michal Handzus for his game-winning 2OT goal Wednesday night.

The Iowa Cubs have announced their first Manny Ramirez promotion, hiring the Cubs have decided to give all players on their Triple-A farm team a bobblehead PED dispenser with Manny’s likeness