With renovations to Wrigley Field stalled due to a stalemate with the rooftop owners, Cubs officials released their new $575 million expansion plan this week to Mayor Rahm Emanuel asking for additional signage, two video screens, and bullpens located underneath the left and right field bleachers, with hopes of beginning the project in July.

A lukewarm response from the Mayor on Wednesday, however, sent the Cubs scrambling to make modifications to their modifications, which now includes locating the team’s home bullpen to a warehouse somewhere along Irving Park Road, nearly a mile from the ballpark.

“This will kill two birds, or perhaps better stated, two seagulls with one stone,” said Crane Kenney, Cubs President of Business Operations. “First off, we won’t have to remove any bricks from this historic landmark, and secondly, our relief pitchers will most likely never make an appearance ever again.”

Upon hearing about the new plan, deposed closer Jose Veras and his 9.53 ERA, wasn’t too keen on the idea.

“That’s an awful long walk from the pen to the mound,” said Veras. “How can the team expect me to perform up to my contract when I come into the game completely gassed and can only get my fastball up to 50 mph. My ERA will probably skyrocket into the 10s.”

Jeremy Barewin