With his meager 1-4 record and 1.68 ERA heading into June, some would label Jeff Samardzija a hard luck loser. But in his breakout season, the hard-throwing Cubs ace is not looking for sympathy — or even run support.

“The way I see it, I’m right on track for the Cy Young,” a naive Samardzija stated. “Eric Gagné won it in ’03 with only 2 wins and I’m confident I can accomplish the same feat this year with only one. If I happen to win a few along the way, I suppose that wouldn’t hurt.”

When reminded that Gagné was a dominant reliever on a winning team with 55 saves while hopped up on HGH, Samardzija further stood behind his comments.

“Wins and saves are overrated stats and not a true measure of an individual’s performance,” he added. “Plus, you know I’m not on HGH. Just look at the size of my head. It’s narrower than California Chrome.”

Brian Berns

Heckler Brian