After his dramatic and improbable goal pushed the Blackhawks into Game 7 of the NHL Western Conference Finals, Patrick Kane has announced that he has decided to quit the game of hockey and focus on his true passion — performing seemingly impossible and magical tasks for the amusement of millions as a world class magician.
When pressed for comment on this shocking announcement, Kane told the press, “Listen, I love hockey, and I love the Hawks, but having won two Stanley Cups already, when I made that shot, skating backwards away from two defenders before somehow managing to sneak a slap shot past one of the bets goalies in the West, I knew that I was destined for greater things. Like magic.”
In response to this announcement, Coach Joel Quenneville told reporters, “We’re going to miss Kaner, obviously, as the past two games have proven that he’s instrumental towards are Stanley Cup run. But the last two games have also proven that he has some magical quality about him, and that’s better suited for the excitement of a Vegas magic show. Hockey’s exciting, but come one, Vegas! Kaner was made for the stage!”
Tickets for “Patrick Kane Live At The Bellagio” will be made available starting Monday, with his initial run slated to last until October.