The Iowa Cubs have announced their first Manny Ramirez promotion, hiring the Cubs have decided to give all players on their Triple-A farm team a bobblehead PED dispenser with Manny’s likeness. The logic is that if they learn how to cheat at Triple-A they will be able to avoid detection at the Major League level.

“Manny helped the Red Sox win the World Series twice,” said Cubs President Theo Epstein. “Just think if he had been groomed at an earlier age — Boston could have become a full-fledged dynasty. We think Javy Baez has a bright future if nurtured by Manny. Who knows? Maybe the Cubs will win a World Series by 2020.”

When asked about hiring Sammy Sosa as a special minor league coach Epstein replied, “No, Sammy was too disruptive in the clubhouse and there is such a shortage of cork right now we wouldn’t be able to keep up with the demand.”