Breaking!

The new rules require all players to wear hard hats during competition and fans are only allowed to attend matches in 8 of the 12 stadiums being used for World Cup play. Additionally, so-called "free kicks" will now be taxed to help pay for the mysterious budget overruns that have plagued the construction process.

"In hindsight, yes, we should not have hired Mike and the guys from Chicago to maintain our field," said a FIFA official. "But you know how these things work. Someone's nephew needed a handout, some palms were greased and, of course, this is Chicago and FIFA we're talking about."

Last season it took the Bears 16 games to come out totally even and botch a chance at the playoffs. Dropping the final two games, either of which would’ve given them a spot in the playoffs, the Bears continued their run of ripping out the hearts of fans just like that older girl down the street did to you in junior high.

Pleased to rid themselves of financial albatross Chicago Cubs at the end of this year, WGN-AM is poised to replace team broadcasts with even more boring programming after the station was outbid last week by CBS-owned WBBM for Cubs broadcast rights.

Yes, Wilford Brimley is still alive, and it was learned on Monday that he will be taking a break from hocking diabetes testing supplies and Quaker Oats to star in a made-for-television movie, "Sour Grapes of Wrath."

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman called a press conference Wednesday morning to announce all current and future Stanley Cup games will be played at the United Center effective immediately.

The Cubs announced Tuesday that they'd be leaving their long-time radio home 720 WGN-AM for a competitor, CBS-owned 780 WBBM-AM. Naturally, many fans of the team were outraged at a change they see as a break in tradition and major inconvenience.