NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman called a press conference Wednesday morning to announce all current and future Stanley Cup games will be played at the United Center effective immediately.

“Did you see the Chicago TV ratings for game seven of the Western Conference finals? I mean, wow! It’s clear Chicago loves hockey,” said Bettman. “There isn’t a better venue to watch a game than the United Center. Fact. I’ve already spoken with Rocky Wirtz. Detroit is no longer hockey town, it’s Chicago.”

Bettman has already laid out many details for the Chicago Final.

“Jim Cornelison has agreed to sing the ‘Star-Spangled Banner’ and, god forbid, ‘O Canada’ if necessary,” said Bettman. “Slash, my ass. We’re even going to play Chelsea Dagger when any goal is scored just to fire up the crowd more, if that’s possible. Charles Barkley has already announced that he’ll attend every game.”

Bettman said that sine the Hawks can’t always make the Final, hosting the games in Chicago will be the next best thing.

“Obviously, we would like the Blackhawks to be in the Stanley Cup Final every year,” said Bettman. “If not, at least we know the games will be in Chicago. It’s the right thing for the league. If anyone disagrees, ask them who watched that Ducks-Senators finals. Exactly.”

When asked about the fairness of this new regulation to the other NHL teams, Bettman responded, “Get better fans. Otherwise move to Chicago.”