NHL

"This Blackhawks run has given them complete control of the United Center, so they can enjoy better ice conditions," said Emanuel. "Plus, we can tow anyone who parks on the court after four inches of snow, set up intersection cameras for revenue and ticket for playing Nate Robinson on defensive sets in the 4th."

"It wasn't really that hard," said Marian Hossa, who played power forward and held LeBron James to seven points. "Basketball is a very easy game compared to hockey. While this matchup made no sense, maybe it will cause Stephen A. Smith to shut his mouth."

"Looking back on it now, we probably should've realized this wasn't going to end well," said Boehner. "We've just been so focused on our own issues, we never checked his NHL or MLB references. Big mistake."

Blackhawks forward and notorious party animal Patrick Kane made news on and off the ice today, as he pushed his team over the top against Detroit, then was promptly arrested for streaking after what he termed a "simple misunderstanding, bro."

"A lot of you probably thought I wouldn't be here tonight because of the way I collapsed to the ice this afternoon in Detroit," said Sedin during his acceptance speech. "But that was just acting!"

After taking a dangerous blow to the head from Jannik Hansen in the third period that forced star forward Marian Hossa off the ice for the remainder of the game during Tuesday night's victory over Vancouver, the Blackhawks equipment manager has questioned his decision to place a bulls-eye on the back of the Slovak All-Star's helmet for the past several seasons.

On Thursday, April 4, dozens of Hawks fans (and probably a St. Louis fan or two) are getting together for The Heckler's Hawks-Blues outing game and pre-party at Roots Homemade Pizza. You should too!