NFL

Thousands of Packers fans across the country proudly wear foam blocks of cheese on their heads in support of their beloved team, no matter how stupid they look. They gladly put up with the odd looks and constant ridicule they receive. But after a Racine man was viciously attacked by a pack of rabid rats, cheeseheads may begin to give their ritual a second thought.

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

“I’m sick of everyone taking shots at me from afar via Twitter and the press,” said a disgruntled Cutler. “Now I plan on proving everyone wrong by dominating a game with a baby strapped to my chest. I’d like to see Peyton Manning do that!”

"This isn't what I signed up for," he said, angrily finishing his third comfort burger of the night. "I don't think I can live in a country that allows the Bears to be in first place while the obviously-superior Pack wallows in last."

“We think it will go very efficiently,” said a Park District spokesman. “When the Bears get inside the 20, the approximately 60,000 fans in attendance will be instructed to file onto the concourse in an orderly fashion."

"For a few minutes, I was just kind of happy the offense looked good," he said. "I wasn't getting too hyped. But then my buddy called totally freaking out, and I realized this team is obviously going all the way. Undefeated, probably!"

"Why not?" asked Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner. "These Pee Wee refs are some of the hardest-working officials in the sport today. If they can deal with 7-year-old kids that complain about every call, why can't they deal with 25-year-olds that complain about every call?"