Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Houston Texans filet o’ fish the fish (who aren’t really fish, a Dolphin is a mammal dammit!) 30-10.
9 – Dee-troit Lions Calvin Johnson and pals think they’re heavy weights but narrow 27-23 win over the Rams leads me to believe they’re more welter weight at this point. Pick it up, boys!
8 – New York Tebows Jets kept quiet during preseason but finally pay their Bills 48 times with Mark Sanchez throwing as good as he looks (3 TDs). Boy is handsome, I’m not afraid to admit it.
7 – Baltimore Ravens Can’t think of anything clever to say here, so fill in your own reason Ray Lewis & Co. are #7.
6 – Denver Broncos Peyton Manning, with new neck, reminds Steelers who their daddy is 31-19. Why does he get to do 800 commercials and I only got a couple as Bud Light spokesman? Also, Broncos will now be playing in every Thursday, Sunday and Monday game this year to maximize the Manning, resulting in a grueling 38-game schedule.
5 – Chicago Bears Brian Urlacher lookin’ older than George Foreman but still gets it done proper, Jay Cutler lookin’ like he could fire a ball through a car wash without it getting wet. I think the horseshoes on the Colts’ helmets were upside down after that 41-21 smackdown.
4 – New England Patriots Brady-licious New Englanders whoop down the AFC South’s Last of the Titans. And why was I not in either “Expendables” movie? I could kick the snot out of every one of them geriatric gerbils.
3 – D.C. RGIIIs Here we go! Bob Griffin becomes first rookie in his first game to win the Master of Disaster honor (320 passing yards/2 TDs, 42 yards rushing) in 40-32 de-frocking of the Saints.
2 – San Francisco 49ers Second best team in the Bay Area smokes the cheese heads featuring a Randy Moss TD and despite a missed dunk by Vernon Davis. A little surprised golden gloves Harbaugh didn’t jab Mike McCarthy when the final bell sounded.
1 – Oakland Raiders Went to bed before this game started so I’ll assume we kicked the lightning out of San Diego with Darren McFadden (also a mammal, not a fish) probably scoring 4 TDs. I live in New Hampshire with a team of semi-pro roller babes, we go to bed at 10pm to work on populating the world with an army of Carl, Juniors (Not to be confused with Carl’s, Jr, I had a little court battle with them over the naming and lost. They are a very litigious hamburger joint).

Program note – The September 17th edition of this untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature me and Marv interviewing T.O., the only NFL player to retire and not be offered a job on one on the TV pregame shows. We ain’t hiring him, either, Marv don’t like no prima donnas. We will also muff each other’s punts.

Patrick O. Elia