In an immediate response to quarterback Jay Cutler’s complaint that the support of the home crowd was too loud for the offense to function smoothly, the Bears and the Park District announced today the entire stadium will be evacuated once the team reaches the red zone.
“We think it will go very efficiently,” said a Park District spokesman. “When the Bears get inside the 20, the approximately 60,000 fans in attendance will be instructed to file onto the concourse in an orderly fashion. This will have to be done within the confines of the play clock winding down so the team isn’t charged a timeout, which could be troublesome at first, but we have confidence in the Bears faithful to figure it out.”
Additional monitors will be added outside on the concourse so fans attending the game will be able to watch the action unfold, as if they were home on the comfort of their own couch. Once the Bears score, everyone will be allowed back to their original seats.
“I like the idea,” said Cutler. “I mean, come on, you saw what a train wreck we were out there for a while. Everything that goes wrong is entirely the fans’ fault. And after six hours of tailgating they could use a little exercise, let’s face it. $500 for a ticket entitles you to a lot, but it doesn’t entitle you to cheering loudly in my opinion.”
In a related development, Cutler was seen practicing a double-barreled middle-finger salute, which he believes will quiet the Packers faithful this Thursday night.