NFL

Bears running back Matt Forte was hoping for a new contract today. Instead, he received a 3-inch violin replica, the smallest such instrument of its kind in the world.

"Back before I got him fired, Mike used to harp on my singing style, so I changed it up," said Cutler of the Bears' former offensive coordinator. "Clearly, the changes didn't improve my performance and that's all on Mike."

Lost in the headlines saying Jay Cutler butchered the 7th Inning Stretch at Wrigley Saturday afternoon, was that injuries suffered during the hit Cutler took when throwing out the game's first pitch will force him to miss the entire 2012 season.

"If I had cleavage and side-boob bouncing in my face on a football field, I'd certainly fall down and hurt myself," Goodell said. "The risk of injury due to indecency in the NFL is nil."

“Man, things are tough all over,” Forte said. “This recession’s really hitting me hard. All I got to my name is a three-bedroom condo in Streeterville, a 4,000 square-foot oceanfront house in South Beach, a gated-community residence in Atlanta next to a golf course, and 17 cars — five of which are used."

The Heckler presents the most important stats of the month.

In an attempt to infuse some much-needed life into the Bounty Paper Towel brand, New York-based ad agency 72 Degrees & Crispin has secured sponsorship rights to the 2012 New Orleans Saints, fresh off the team's scandal that involved putting "bounties" on opposing squad's players.