Wednesday, June 7, 2023

NBA Preview: Memphis Grizzlies

Why They Might Be Good: Never afraid to utilize the latest motivational techniques, GM Jerry West has become an expert hypnotist. "I made [veteran guard] Eddie Jones think he's 22, I made [second-year forward] Hakim Warrick think he can hit from 17 feet, and I made [rookie guard] Kyle Lowrey think he's a chicken. Plus the Grizzles lead the NBA in both adjectives (Rudy Gay, Stromile Swift) and nouns (Brian Cardinal, Alexander Johnson).

NBA Preview: Los Angeles Lakers

Why They Might Be Good: Attitudinal off-guard Kobe Bryant has made a promise to Lakers fans: "We're going back to the Finals. How? By me taking zero shots a game. If I get my teammates involved—teammates like [streaky guard] Sasha Vujacic, [streaky guard] Maurice Evans, and [streaky guard] Jimmy Jackson—there's no stopping us."

Bulls switch United Center playing surface from hardwood to natural grass

The 2006 Chicago Bulls are not designed for fast-paced, end-to-end action. Now their home court won't be, either.

NBA Preview: Los Angeles Clippers

Why They Might Be Good: It's still difficult to accept the fact that last season—when they were healthy—these perpetual doormats sported one of the most reliable starting lineups in the league, led by rock Elton Brand. But as solid as they were in '06, they shored up their roster with the signings of professionally-diagnosed depressive forward Vin Baker and hilariously named center Boniface Ndong.

NBA Preview: Indiana Pacers

Why They Might Be Good: They won't. They'll be mediocre. They were .500 last year, they'll be .500 this year, and the year after that, and the year after that. In 2010, flexible second year forward Danny Granger will fully mature, and the Pacers will chalk up a record of 42-40. The year after, Granger will get hurt, and we're talking 40-42.

NBA Preview: Houston Rockets

Why They Might Be Good: Rockets trainer Keith Jones is optimistic that fragile forward Tracy McGrady will make it through the season injury-free. "He had pins put in his left ankle, right shoulder, both knees, coccygeal vertebrae, right earlobe, the index and middle fingers of his shooting hand, and his johnson. We're confident he'll play up to his potential this season–especially if the brain transplant took."

NBA Preview: Denver Nuggets

Why They Might Be Good: All-world forward Carmelo Anthony had one helluva off-season. "I kicked [tail] at the World Championships," said 'Melo with a smile. "I trained like a mo-fo, and I didn't appear in a single DVD in which one of my boys talked about selling drugs and capping snitches." Also, fragile big man Marcus Camby managed to make it through the summer without shredding a single tendon.