Why They Might Be Good: Rockets trainer Keith Jones is optimistic that fragile forward Tracy McGrady will make it through the season injury-free. “He had pins put in his left ankle, right shoulder, both knees, coccygeal vertebrae, right earlobe, the index and middle fingers of his shooting hand, and his johnson. We’re confident he’ll play up to his potential this season–especially if the brain transplant took.”

Why They Might Suck: It’s Yao Ming and a cast of thousands. Literally, thousands. Coach Jeff Van Gundy appealed to David Stern for a special exemption in which the Rockets can carry 2,141 players on their roster. Stern agreed, saying, “In the long run, it doesn’t really matter. They can have 2 million guys on the bench, and they’d still suck.”

The Dude Other Than Yao Who I Want on My Fantasy Team: Um, Luther Head?  No, he’ll kill my shooting percentage. Juwan Howard?  Nah, he plays hard, like, five games a year. Shane Battier?  Nope, he’s one of those guys who only does things that don’t show up in the box score. Bobby Sura?  Puh-leeze. Let me get back to you on this one.

Bottom Line: In a recent email, Van Gundy expressed what we consider to be unfounded assurance. “Rafer Alston is the greatest point guard in the history of the game. We will ride to victory on the back of Casey Jacobsen. I love my roster. Did I mention that I took a couple tabs of Ecstasy at breakfast?  Love always, Jeffy.”

heckler editorial staff