Playoffs or no playoffs, Sox fans came out in droves to torch cars, loot retail stores and cause general mayhem all over the South Side upon hearing the news that their team has missed the playoff race. Although it is not uncommon for some sports fans to riot after their team captures a title, Sox fans need no apparent reason to cause destruction.

“It doesn’t really matter to me if they win or lose,” said long-time Sox fan Mike Jablonski. “Rioting is just a typical night for me. With today’s prices on chewing tobacco, MGDs, and rally rims, stealing is necessary.”

Many other Sox fans agree with Jablonski’s sentiments, including Keith O’Rourke of suburban Evergreen Park.

“I call this day of the week ‘Thrifty Thursday,'” said O’Rourke while pushing a shopping cart filled with BetaMax tapes and rolls of scratch-off lotto tickets. “It’s okay the Sox lost because last year was slim pickings after the Series victory. I could only manage to score some new NASCAR mud flaps for my Chevy Nova.”

heckler editorial staff