MLB

Recently retired Cub Carlos Zambrano wasted no time making the transition to retiree by purchasing a town home at the Palm Vista Active Adult Community in Coconut Grove, Florida. The 30-year-old former hurler has settled in the retirement village and, just like his playing days, is generating buzz everywhere from the horseshoe pit to the room where everyone waits for the mail.

"I just want Z to know I fully support his decision to retire," said Hendry. "In this economy, to be able to retire at the age of 30 really is something. Way to go Big Z!"

After giving up five home runs and being ejected in Atlanta on Friday night, Carlos Zambrano reportedly cleaned out his locker and decided to retire. What do you think The Heckler headline should be?

The newly unveiled statue of Santo will relieve Moreland of his broadcasting duties effective immediately.

“It’s entirely our fault” said Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts. “I guess we never did give a last name. We just assumed the sculptor would know.”

After months of crushing on MLB.com’s Cubs beat reporter Carrie Muskat, outfielder Tony Campana was finally able to get a note passed to her that read “I like you. Do you like me? Check yes or no.”

“It’s about time. The games have gotten so stale that it feels like nothing ever happens,” said a high ranking employee at ESPN. “It’s like watching four and a half hours of 'Entourage' reruns every time they play.”