MLB

"You have a problem with me leaving my wife while she's battling cancer? Fine," said Lackey, who gave up three runs in six innings and set Boston up for a dramatic 14-inning win over the Yankees. "But do you have to remind me my ERA is hovering over six all year? Jerk."

"I could just cheer for the Sox to win out against the Orioles, but they took three of four from us at home just last week" said Branham, whose Red Sox have won only six of 24 games this month. "No chance we sweep 'em."

As if things couldn’t get any worse in Sox Nation, Red Sox DH David Ortiz suffered a panic attack during Saturday's 9-1 loss to the Yankees.

Add Lucas Duda, Angel Pagan and Domenik Hixon to the ever-growing list of injured Mets and Giants players, as the two New York teams battle it out for the title of the city’s most disabled franchise.

“We can’t wait to have him in the lineup,” Boston manager Terry Francona beamed. “We will preheat the oven at 350 an hour before the Yankee series. He should be warmed up and ready to go in no time. He doesn’t need batting practice. He’s Ted Williams!”

After working a recent Mets game in ESPN booth earlier this month Bobby Valentine snuck his way into New York's clubhouse where he managed to work for three games until his ruse was discovered. He disguised himself as Ryota Igarashi’s translator, and due to his perfect grasp of the Japanese language, almost got away with it.

Mets GM Sandy Alderson proudly announced in a press conference Thursday that in order to save money for the cash-starved franchise, players will have to cover their own expenses next season including equipment, uniforms, travel, lodging and meals.