Mired in a team-wide slump during the final month of the season, Red Sox owner John Henry authorized the emergency use of Ted Williams for the remaining six games of the season, including this weekend’s crucial series against the Yankees.

With a .344 career batting average and 521 home runs, Ted Williams was the greatest Red Sox player in history. Shortly after the Hall of Famer’s passing in 2002, Williams’ son executed his father’s dying wish to have his head frozen cryonically. The will specified that Williams head must be thawed and reunited with his body if there is a cure for cardiomyopathy or if the Red Sox are fighting for a playoff spot with less than a week to go.

“We can’t wait to have him in the lineup,” Boston manager Terry Francona beamed. “We will preheat the oven at 350 an hour before the Yankee series. He should be warmed up and ready to go in no time. He doesn’t need batting practice. He’s Ted Williams!”

Francona plans to bat Williams in the clean-up spot between Adrian Gonzalez and David Ortiz.

“I know that’s three lefties in a row but Williams once batted over .400,” Francona justified.

While a few players expressed their reservation about bringing in a frozen Hall of Famer this late in the season, Second baseman Dustin Pedroia endorsed this bold move.

“My great grandfather grew up idolizing Teddy Ballgame,” said Pedroia. “Besides, we could sure use his 2,654 career hits and 1,839 runs batted in our lineup.”

Image by Kurt Evans