Father Michael O’Malley of St. Mary’s of the Holy Father Church on Chicago’s South Side confirmed Friday morning that after his morning conversation with God that his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ does, in fact, hate the Packers.
“I’ve seen people wearing shirts that say Jesus hates both the Packers and the Bears, so I consulted His Holiness for clarification in my prayers this morning,” said O’Malley. “Through His graciousness and kindness, Jesus replied to me that it’s the Packers, not the Bears, that bear the weight of his scorn and hatred.”
O’Malley feared he would upset God by asking a question He might consider to be a trivial matter that God would view as a waste of His precious time, but on the contrary, God talked with the priest at length on the matter.
“God let me know that not only does Jesus hate the Packers, he also is not too fond of Green Bay linebackers Clay Matthews and AJ Hawk,” said O’Malley, who claims he was a fan of neither team until learning God was such a strong Bears supporter. “God told me Jesus feels Matthews and Hawk have hairstyles that not only are not becoming of men, but have also gone out of style sometime around 50 A.D., which we all know is when dinosaurs last roamed the earth.”