As if things couldn’t get any worse in Sox Nation, Red Sox DH David Ortiz suffered a panic attack during Saturday’s 9-1 loss to the Yankees. Last week, as Boston’s lead in the Wild Card race shrunk, Ortiz urged all Sox fans to panic (as if such a declaration actually had to be stated).

The attack took place in the 5th inning as Ortiz waited on deck to face Yankees starter Freddy Garcia. Ortiz was taken to Massachusetts General Hospital after the collapse and was reported resting comfortably with a big bowl of ice cream. Boston’s once mighty lead in the A.L. Wild Card race now stands at a paltry 1.5 games over Tampa Bay.

“I expect to be back in the lineup next week,” Big Papi told some kids from the pediatrics ward who wandered into his room. “But I’m so worried we’re going to blow this lead I might poop my pants or faint while batting against [Mariano] Rivera. I urge all Boston fans to follow my lead and poop their pants as we try and choke this thing away.”

Ortiz went on to add the people of Boston should also panic regarding the following:
The economy.
The Bruins 2-1 exhibition loss to Ottawa.
The new Comedy Central logo.
The updates to Facebook.
The Patriots after their narrow 14-point win over San Diego.

Patrick O. Elia