MLB

"We think the fans will get behind the 'everyman' aspect of this new promotion," Boyer explained. "It will encourage people in these hard times, keeping hopes and dreams alive. Just imagine, one minute you're some shlub sitting in the 500-level seats and then, wham, you're the bullpen coach: novelty hire!"

"It is just disgusting that we lost to these bums," said Rodriguez. "Their payroll is only $100 million. What is this, 1999? Talk about living below the poverty line. They can't even afford personal assistants for their batboys."

Think you're a real Cubs fan? Okay, let's see you name all six of these guys from the 1994 squad that finished last in the NL Central with a strike-shortened record of 49-64.

“Do I buy my kids Christmas gifts this year or renew my tickets and get fired up to see 81 games of Jeff Baker as our new starting third baseman?” said season-ticket holder Kevin Thomas. “It’s a tough choice, but if the Cubs bring back Larry Himes as GM, it might sway my decision.”

"Earlier this week I said Justin was done for the series, but that was before we gave up 10 runs Tuesday night," said Leyland. "He's all we've got right now so we're going to win or lose this thing by riding on Justin's arm."

CC Sabathia and the Yankees are one game away from elimination, and CC Sabathia only has himself and a fictional naval commander to blame for it. During a post-game interview Monday night, a box of Peanut Butter Crunch, was visible in the hefty hurler’s locker, which led to his tearful admission that he was back on the Cap’n Crunch wagon.

Mike Piazza was curiously on hand with the Marlins when they closed out their season last week despite playing only five games with the franchise back in 1998. Piazza later confirmed his reason for visiting Sun Life Stadium was to announce that should he be elected to the Hall of Fame when eligible in 2012, he will enter as a Marlin.