MLB

When RA Dickey wrote his bestselling autobiography "Wherever I Wind Up," not even he imagined that place would be the NHL. Starting this offseason, Dickey will work part time for the New York Islanders as the new “knucklepuck coach.”

“The style of hitting I plan to impart on the club will center wholly around the 'If You Swing At the First Pitch Again, I Will Murder You theory,'” said Rowson. “With bats firmly stuck to their shoulders, players will have time to consider other aspects of the game. Also, Campana can steal two or three bases by then.”

"We umpires are sick of standing around and calling strikes for these bums. We're taking breaks," said McClelland. "Usually the scoreboard says 0-2 before they walk up. This is a perfect time to chill and get a beer."

Daniel Tosh, host of Comedy Central’s “Tosh.0,” has offered the Cubs the chance to appear on his program during the show’s “Web Redemption” segment which showcases videos of people doing generally idiotic things and gives them the platform to defend themselves or, at the very least, explain their thought process.

“The real key to this is keeping Tony Campana on the field,” Irsay said. “That guy has like four times as much hustle as anybody else. Therefore, it looks like you’re trying hard, but really that’s just one guy blurring all around.”

R.A. Dickey's recent one-hitter against the Baltimore Orioles was his second consecutive one-hit performance and Baltimore's manager is crediting the knuckleballer's success to a massive conspiracy implicating every single umpire in baseball.

CC Sabathia participated in a Subway sandwich eating competition this evening, misunderstanding the "Subway Series" term that is always applied to the Yankees' and Mets' bi-annual interleague series. Sabathia, who wasn't scheduled to pitch this weekend, went to Harlem on Friday afternoon to take part in the annual New York Competitive Eating Subway Series, a competition that faces off top sub sandwich eaters from around the New York area with each other.