It didn’t take long for newly-appointed Cubs hitting coach James Rowson to figure out a new direction for the team. Instead of tweaking just one or two players’ swings, he had the organization alter its jerseys by adding Velcro shoulder patches.

“The style of hitting I plan to impart on the club will center wholly around the ‘If You Swing At the First Pitch Again, I Will Murder You theory,’” said Rowson. “With bats firmly stuck to their shoulders, players will have time to consider other aspects of the game. Also, Campana can steal two or three bases by then.”

Fortunately, the club had easy access to a large amount of Velcro. An estimated 500 large spools have been sitting around the Cubs offices since Jim Hendry accepted them as part of the Ted Lilly/Blake DeWitt deal.

“Velcro, random hills in the outfield, super-small ballparks – this is the kind of progressive thinking that wins championships,” said Cubs President Theo Epstein. “Eventually.”

Bandwagon Dan