NCAA

Minutes after accepting the 2012 NCAA men's basketball championship Monday night, Kentucky coach John Calipari forfeited the title, citing the inevitable rule violations that will be uncovered in the coming months.

"This is the South," said a clearly shaken Long. "We expect our leaders to be able to do certain things, and handling a motorcycle with someone who's not your wife on the back is certainly one of them. I get sick to my stomach every time I read an article that says Coach Petrino 'laid down his motorcycle' after he lost control. What the hell is that?"

Earlier this week, the people of North Carolina passed Amendment 1, which many believed was just a ban on gay marriage. But it has now been revealed that this amendment could also undercut child custody arrangements, jeopardize hospital visiting rights, and most surprisingly – it bans marriage between graduates of Duke University and the University of North Carolina.

NCAA President Mark Emmert handed his organization the feared "death penalty" Monday morning, forcing itself to shut down all operations for four years in light of the Jerry Sandusky Penn State scandal.

With the SEC comprising half of the top ten, the computers have come up with the solution of just having Notre Dame play against all five teams.

"Well, thankfully they're the same colors, I don't have to waste time shopping. Ain't nobody got time for that," said Bielema. "It's an SEC school, so who cares if they've become even more of a joke while I'm there? I'd rather be a loser in the SEC than a winner by default in the Big Ten."

The high school’s principal said the move was made after Simeon, along with Duke, Kansas, Indiana and Florida, finished with a Top 5 recruiting class.