Wednesday, March 29, 2023

NHL cancels holidays, month of December, passing of year

“If we’re going to get serious about playing hockey in 2012, this ticking of time thing has got to stop,” said Bettman. “I decree it perpetually November 21 until further notice.”

NHL, NHLPA stuck on whether to move Canucks, or burn Vancouver, then move Canucks

“Whether you’re a big-shot team owner or a fourth-line enforcer, everyone can agree that we’re tired of Vancouver’s crap,” said the unnamed source. “I mean, they already tore half the city down themselves. These guys just want to finish the job.”

A-Rod sublets third base to minor leaguers

After striking out in seven consecutive at-bats during the playoffs this year, Alex Rodriguez caused controversy in New York when he decided to sublet his contract with the Yankees to minor leaguers.

Following release, NFL replacement refs move to customer service industry to keep pissing people...

“I figure I made hundreds of thousands of people violently angry for a three week period,” said ex-replacement official Ned Randall. “So, I asked myself, ‘Where can I garner that kind of emotionally provocative response from people?’"

Goodell found hiding in spider hole with Gary Bettman

With the help of the FBI, Goodell’s cellphone was tracked to a remote field in Wyoming. Authorities searched the area for several hours before finding a welcome mat in the middle of the field.

Pierzynski and Cutler seen hanging out to improve images

To start the evening, Cutski, as the media has dubbed them, walked through Grant Park kicking puppies and throwing rocks at the elderly. People were appalled until they realized who they were dealing with.

Brian Kelly takes Pinkett’s advice, travels to San Quentin on recruiting visit

Confused guards told him that visiting hours were over, and they doubted very seriously if they could “wrangle up [the inmates'] test scores and 40-yard-dash times.”