South

"This is the South," said a clearly shaken Long. "We expect our leaders to be able to do certain things, and handling a motorcycle with someone who's not your wife on the back is certainly one of them. I get sick to my stomach every time I read an article that says Coach Petrino 'laid down his motorcycle' after he lost control. What the hell is that?"

After a devastating loss to the University of Louisiana-Monroe Saturday, the Arkansas Razorbacks took an unprecedented tumble in the national rankings. The light of a new day showed that the team, ranked eighth just days earlier, had fallen completely out of the Bowl Championship Series. They had landed in the sports twilight zone once known as "Division II.”

"Well, thankfully they're the same colors, I don't have to waste time shopping. Ain't nobody got time for that," said Bielema. "It's an SEC school, so who cares if they've become even more of a joke while I'm there? I'd rather be a loser in the SEC than a winner by default in the Big Ten."

President Obama issued the executive order only after exhaustive peace talks between the fraternity brothers and the Texas A &M stand-out QB broke down at the last possible minute. When pressed by the Associated Press about the strong possibility of a nuclear option, President Obama responded that “All options were on the table.”

The rich are getting richer. Fresh off of a conference title and a No. 1 ranking leading up to the college football playoff, Alabama is adding another strong, and somewhat controversial figure to their coaching staff.

As soon as the cheerleader-less Packers and Steelers advanced to Super Bowl XLV, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones immediately went about the task of putting together the largest cheerleader team in history by hiring every stripper in the state of Texas.

In a shocking revelation, the same guy who told the Astros players what pitch was coming also told them a global pandemic was coming so they better sell off some stocks.