In a shocking revelation, the same guy who told the Astros players what pitch was coming also told them a global pandemic was coming so they better sell off some stocks.
“The guy knows everything,” said Jose Altuve. “The instructions were simple. No bangs for fastball. One bang for slider. Two bangs for curveball. Three for a changeup. And four means global pandemic, sell off all your stocks and buy a bunch of masks.”
MLB and the FBI are investigating the Astros for insider trading but so far have only found a slew of trash cans, buzzers and tainted accomplishments.