Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Cardinals execs awarded medal of freedom for breaching China’s websites

“First in the Central Division. First in the National League. First in violating cyber-security worldwide, every American is grateful for the Cardinals diligence in cracking these uber-secured websites,” Mr. Obama said in a White House Rose Garden ceremony.

Cardinals fan credits perfect bracket to his no-nonsense, old school approach to bracketology

When asked for his secret, Derusso credited his no-nonsense, oldschool approach to bracketology that he attributed to the St. Louis style of baseball he so strongly supports, as well as general inexperience and pure luck.

O’Hare flight makes emergency landing on Joe Buck’s forehead

“You know, I just did what any other good-headed, I mean hearted, citizen would do in that situation,” said the 45-year-old Buck, with the plane’s tire marks still just barely visible on his alien-like cranium.

That one Cardinals fan living in Chicago absolutely insufferable after Blues’ Game 1 victory

The Cardinals fan in question has been spotted approaching complete strangers while saying things like, "Tough loss for you guys last night, huh?" and, "You have to admit, from an outsiders perspective, that was a pretty great win for the Blues, wasn't it?"

Conflicted nation can’t decide if they’d rather root against Red Sox or Cardinals

After a Shane Victorino grand slam sent the Boston Red Sox to face the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series, the nation collectively breathed a frustrated sigh as they tried to determine which of the two teams they disliked the least.

Cardinals fan in office now just pissing everyone off

Many cited Franklin's 30-minute water cooler speech complaining about "Puig's showboating" as the breaking point, as well as his tendency to respond to any negative comment about the Cardinals by angrily shouting, "Oh yeah, well when's the last time YOUR team won the series, huh? 2011 for me, baby!"

Cardinals’ top draft pick projected to be starting pitcher in 2013 NLCS

Asked if he thought he was being somewhat presumptuous for predicting an NLCS appearance for his team as early as June, Matheny said, “Are you kidding me? Last I checked, we were in the same division as the Cubs, Brewers and Pirates.”