Just months after buying 33% of the beleaguered New York Mets franchise, minority owner and hedge fund manager David Einhorn has agreed to sell his stake in the team for 10 Shake Shack double cheeseburgers.
Owner Fred Wilpon announced today that the left field wall will be lowered three inches, and moved in two feet towards home plate. The process is believed to be costing the supposedly cash-strapped Wilpons upwards of $120 million.
The new stat, called Total Mets Loss Factor (TMLF), will be determined by counting the number of agonizing, excruciating, heart and gut wrenching losses a team has per season, then rating them based on pain delivered to a fan of that team.
Manager Terry Collins was in support of the jersey change and also added in that the Mets jerseys with the old colors will be sold in an auction to help pay for the combined $18 million the team still owes former players Oliver Perez and Luis Castillo.
“They told me there was a correlation between hilarious last names and inappropriate behavior involving cell phone cameras,” said the stunned knuckler, who has not yet been charged with any wrongdoing. “I didn't even know my phone had a camera.”
A recent study has found the New York Mets' fanbase is in fact populated by a majority of red-headed stepchildren, which accounts for the way they're treated by the rest of the baseball world.
The Mets won Game Six 25 years ago this October when Buckner--playing first for the Red Sox--failed to corral a ground ball that trickled through his legs in the bottom of the 10th inning at Shea Stadium.