On Thursday the NHL released the shocking results of an internal investigation of the Islanders and their dismal play this season that revealed the Islanders aren't an actual team, but a piece of paper with fake names of supposed Islanders' players. The names are rather amalgamations of famous movie characters such as goalies Happy Dufresne and Forrest Potter.
“Well played, fundamentally sound teams are boring. They’re boring,” said one self-proclaimed New York die-hard. “What the heck am I supposed to call the radio and moan about? The Yankees pitching staff?”
Islanders GM Garth Snow announced Friday at Nassau Coliseum the team would be holding youth fighting camps every weekend until the NHL season starts next month. The camp would be open admission for Long Island youth from ages 10 to 15.
Due to the recent cutbacks in government funding, the Department of Justice revealed that it must reduce WITSEC (The Federal Witness Protection Program), most notably by disbanding the New York Islanders.
“They told me there was a correlation between hilarious last names and inappropriate behavior involving cell phone cameras,” said the stunned knuckler, who has not yet been charged with any wrongdoing. “I didn't even know my phone had a camera.”
Just minutes after the NHL moved Saturday's Winter Classic back eight hours due to weather issues in Pittsburgh, commissioner Gary Bettman announced a change to the 2012 showdown, whose host city has yet to be announced.