On Thursday the NHL released the shocking results of an internal investigation of the Islanders and their dismal play this season that revealed the Islanders aren’t an actual team, but a piece of paper with fake names of supposed Islanders’ players. The names are rather amalgamations of famous movie characters such as goalies Happy Dufresne and Forrest Potter.

“I am pretty shocked at the truth that one our teams is no team at all,” said Commissioner Gary Bettman at a press conference at Nassau Coliseum, the fake Islanders’ home arena that is actually nothing more than an elementary school on Long Island. “According to GM Garth Snow, the Islanders were a real team until they signed goalie Rick DiPietro in 2006. The debt from the contract put the team in bankruptcy and they had no choice but to fake a team.”

“Garth also said that they were able to keep the charade on for so many years because they gave opposing teams hush money to not mention that they hadn’t actually played a team when they were scheduled the Islanders,” added Bettman. “In exchange, the Islanders offered to give opposing teams all of their wins. This is how they are currently winless two months into the season. And no one has noticed any of this because the Islanders have no fan base at all.”

Bettman said that he was indeed shocked by the results of the investigation by that the Islanders will continue to “play” for the rest of the season in order to maintain parity in the league.

By Josh Burton, Follow me on Twitter