Nationwide

"You may be wondering if we purposefully deflated our balls and the answer is 'Yes'," admitted a smug and unapologetic Belichick. "Sure, we had home field advantage and a better all-around team, but is that ever enough to stick it to your opponent?"

After the New England Patriots declared they didn't alter their footballs in any manner and attributed the fluctuations in pressure to cold temperatures, skeptics pounced. One such individual was Bill Nye, noted thermal engineering expert and all-around creepy genius, who claimed that the explanation given by the Patriots was an absolute scientific impossibility.

“I was beside myself when I learned I would be hearing the appeal,” Judge Berman remarked. “And, when I say ‘beside myself,’ I mean that person beside me will have a tough task of either agreeing with his original decision or the person he just ruled against. It’s hard to say which way it will go.”

The world learned today that Pope Francis visited with the Stanley Cup Saturday night in Philadelphia. It was the pope’s first ever visit to the United States and Lord Stanley’s Cup’s first ever papal visit

“It’s true I know the rules better than anyone and can play-ref this game blindfolded,” claims Sherman. “Unfortunately, I also see this as an opportunity for the league to suspend or fine me double every week.”

God took a break from trying to fix the world today to send a message to all the NCAA basketball tournament teams that are not Loyola: “I’m not helping you.”

“Whoo-hoo! Did you SEE that win? The Ramblers are my team!” exclaimed Belushi by Skype, sporting his new, fresh-from-the-bookstore-via-FedEx Loyola t-shirt and brightly colored scarf. “And they always have been, in my sweet home Chicago.”