Breaking!

Bulls GM Gar Forman praised the team's new SG Rip Hamilton Thursday as a great team player capable of rallying teammates whenever necessary, even when he believes a mutiny against his coach is in order as he did last season with the Pistons.

Clippers president Andy Roeser has ordered an oversized statue of a hand giving the middle finger be placed immediately outside the Los Angeles Lakers locker room within the very stadium the two teams share.

Bears coach Lovie Smith expressed shock Thursday after WR Sam Hurd's arrest as a suspected big-time drug dealer. Smith said had no clue Hurd was a drug dealer because he buys his drugs from safety Chris Conte.

"We had a lot of extra money lying around so we asked different charity cases to submit letters stating why they could use a little extra cabbage around the holidays," said acting Trailblazers GM Chad Buchanan. "This guy Greg Oden completely won over our hearts. We gave him the whole $8.9 million from the gift fund."

Three months after southpaw Pedro Feliciano’s left rotator cuff surgery, you wouldn’t expect there to be a market for his services. But then, you’d be underestimating the resourcefulness of Billy Beane.

“He defends and hits the mid-range jumper,” said Thibodeau. “Even more important than that, he drives his kids around in a minivan. Young players on our squad can learn from that.”

The CDC has given a name to the disease: Stoudmelo's Syndrome. The new moniker, of course, is an homage to the two biggest culprits of bad defense on the Knicks: Amare Stoudamire and Carmelo Anthony.