New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced the Center for Disease Control has discovered that watching Knicks games may be hazardous to fans’ heath, and that the recently-ended NBA lockout saved the city millions in healthcare costs. Specifically, exposure to the Knicks’ horrendous defense can lead to nausea, diarrhea, amnesia and bad cases of the common cold.
“I know it’s pretty shocking, but we have confirmed with the CDC that their study is correct and thorough. The fact that watching Knicks games causes illness has been proven,” Bloomberg said at a press conference Wednesday. “We have preliminary survey results which place the number of affected Knicks fans at roughly two million people. These sick fans are flooding our local hospitals and clinics, which is unacceptable because ill non-Knick fans won’t get the care they need. We are looking at owner James Dolan to find any solution to eradicate this pandemic. Help us James, please.”
According to Bloomberg, even watching the Knicks during their upcoming slate of pre-season games can cause serious bowel trauma.
The CDC has given a name to the disease: Stoudmelo’s Syndrome. The new moniker, of course, is an homage to the two biggest culprits of bad defense on the Knicks: Amare Stoudamire and Carmelo Anthony.
By Josh Burton, Follow me on Twitter: @vcarternj