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“There isn’t a hotter ticket in town,” said Leena Greenberg, head of Mets ticket sales. “We figure for every four Mets games you buy, you get four tickets to a Knicks or Rangers game because they’re pretty good this year, right? I don’t follow sports.”

Because of his mask, Rip Hamilton is allowed to break the Bulls dress code rule of not wearing a headband during games since without one the mask will fog up from excess sweat. And now Brian Scalabrine wants to follow suit.

"Apparently Mr. Epstein felt as though he had run out of options to rid the Cubs of the $54 million they still have committed to Mr. Soriano over the next three seasons," said Chicago FD inspector Frank Stanton. "In what can be best described as desperate hysteria, Mr. Epstein believed lighting all 500 pages of Mr. Soriano's contract would somehow void the deal."

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

In an effort to fill a holiday void of one night without worthless bowl games, the NCAA has reached out to corporate sponsors to create another bowl of little or no significance.

After scoring just 79 points in their season opener against the Pacers Monday, the Pistons called an emergency meeting with the ultimate conclusion being to lock themselves out of the rest of the season.

"It's disappointing but we had a great run," said PG Derrick Rose. "I'll never forget that great comeback win we had against the Lakers a day earlier in the season opener."