Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Denver Tebows Tebow generously distributes 4 TDs Sunday in horrible loss to horrible Bills (1 rushing, 1 passing to a teammate, 2 passing to Bills defenders). Maybe his new iPhone was having trouble telling him when Tebow-time (Tebow Standard Time) started in Buffalo?
9 – Dee-troit Lions Detroit pounds ‘Bolts 38-10 behind Stafford’s 3 TD passes. Lions clinch their first playoff berth since ancient Roman times when they beat the Christians 354-0 (Tebow was not on that particular Christian team, he was busy on the Crusades).
8 – Houston Texans T.J. Yates finally staring to play up to the potential Houston saw in him as a fifth round pick/clip board carrying artist as Texans continue to un-qualify for playoffs by losing to the damn Colts 19-16.
7 – Baltimore Ravens Ray Lewis, suffering from laryngitis, is forced to sign language trash-talk Cleveland Browns. Result: a closer than expected 20-14 win over Bad Browns.
6 – San Francisco 49ers S.F. keeps winnin’ uglier than a one-eye, three legged dog with a bowel obstruction (19-16 Sleeper over Seattle). Not sure what term best describes Alex Smith: game manager, blandly competent or Vanilla Nice.
5 – Pittsburgh Steelers With “Big Ben” resting a little boo-boo to his ankle, Steelers become first team in modern era to win a game not playing a QB (27-0 over St. Lousy Rams).
4 – New England Patriots Tom Brady seems to be trying to catch my man Cam Newton for the single-season QB rushing TD record. Tom, you’re pretty. You knocked up more models than the NBA’s western conference. But listen my man, leave the rushing TDs to the grown men.
3 – New Orleans Saints Drew Brees officially canonized as first living saint (patron saint of the two-minute drill) by Vatican after breaking Dan Marino’s single-season passing mileage record in assassination of Falcons Monday Night.
2 – Green Bay Packers Aaron Rodgers passes for 5 TDs vs. Bears and kicks the crap out of a State Farm agent after the game for discount double-checking him (earning this week’s Master of Disaster award). Packers awarded technical foul free throw after Chicago’s Josh McCown hangs on crossbar after dunked in two-point conversion (taunting).
1 – Oakland Raiders Cardiac Skull and Bones squad pulls out another Janikowski (game winner in OT at KC). The verticality and velocity-ality of C. Palmer starting to ventilate AFC visitors. Here we go!
Program note – The January 1st (Happy New Year, chumps!) untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature our end of the season awards (we’ll call ‘em something stupid like the Weathers Winners or Hot Carls, who knows, Marv and I don’t really like to think too hard on Sundays). Marv will try and make as many funny noises as Chris Berman does in a typical edition of Sunday NFL Countdown where I, a more dignified soul, will explain how NFL passer ratings are calculated and the finer nuances of salary cap management. Also, I break down the Rex Ryan/Brandon Jacobs catfight. Come on, girls!