Breaking!

ESPN columnist and TV personality Skip Bayless made history today when he asserted that the Indianapolis Colts regret drafting Andrew Luck. This random and completely unfounded observation marks the 1,000,000,000th time in Bayless' career that he was blatantly wrong.

Obviously if I admit to drugs now it doesn't make much difference," he said, referring to the fact that he was recently outed as a habitual user of banned substances. "But if I travel back to like, 2007 or something, then an admission would curry me just the kind of public sentiment I'd need to keep my ego -- and endorsability -- intact."

“The random timeouts, his inability to get plays out on the field, they all make sense now,” said QB Jay Cutler. “Coach Smith had to wait for his own personal Tyler Durden to saunter in and tell him what to do.”

During the team's meeting with Reid today, they brought in 10 racks of ribs from Gates BBQ, an entire pig roast from Three Little Pigs BBQ, eight pounds of brisket from the Golden Ox, and a trough full of pulled pork from Arthur Bryant's Barbecue.

"We've been spoiled by [past GM] Jerry Angelo, who was willing to waste draft picks by not getting them in on time, signed every injured offensive tackle available, and took Cedric Benson when we already had Thomas Jones," said lifelong fan Bob Dukowski.

"I like to break up the season into 64ths. I will hold a press conference at the end of each quarter of each game and assess the team. I imagine after 1/64th of the 2013 season, we will be in great shape and on our way to the Super Bowl."

The mood was grim at Halas Hall Monday morning as head coach Lovie Smith was fired after nine seasons as Bears head coach. Reports indicate that Smith attempted to call a timeout during the termination. After that was denied, he pulled a red challenge flag from his sock and casually dropped it on the conference room floor.