Disgraced cycling legend Lance Armstrong has decided to travel back in time and admit he cheated his way to a record seven Tour de France championships.

“Obviously if I admit to drugs now it doesn’t make much difference,” he said, referring to the fact that he was recently outed as a habitual user of banned substances. “But if I travel back to like, 2007 or something, then an admission would curry me just the kind of public sentiment I’d need to keep my ego — and endorsability — intact.”