Sport

MVP: Alfonso Soriano – Old man Alfie hit .500 for the week with two homers and a double. Most of the damage he inflicted was from the mostly seated position as a DH. Hear that, A.L. teams, he hits great when he doesn’t field. You must trade for this man now!

“Chicago baseball died with the first Mayor Daley,” said South Sider Brian McBride. “I was smart enough to Tivo every Hawks’ game since 2002, so I’m set for the next 10 years.”

“We know this is a drastic measure, but with more than half of the league’s players in jail or waiting on parole hearings and arraignments, we have little alternative,” Goodell told the NFL Network. “Most teams simply don't have enough players to compete.”

Saying the trophy will look great on the mantel of his fireplace, Patrick Kane continues to seek answers to the question, “Who is Conn Smythe?” the winner of the NHL’s playoff MVP asked in a recent game press conference.

With an extremely busy sports news week in the city of Boston, the Bruins announcement that 23-year NHL veteran Jaromir Jagr will not be invited to return to the team next season fell a bit under the radar.

"Man, this headache is killer but I've got to get to the parade," said Crawford, who thought it was Friday and had no recollection of attending the parade Friday and delivering an epic, profanity-laced 20-second speech at the team's victory rally in Grant Park. "I better get going if I don't want to miss anything."

“Wow. This is much bigger than the Little League opening day parade we’d have every year back in Little Rock,” Arkansas native Travis Wood said. “However, I am a bit surprised. There aren’t any clown cars here and I haven’t seen Jim Belushi yet.”