NHL

“We expect this new system of ADT cameras and motion-sensors to notify players when an opponent breeches our territory,” said team GM Stan Bowman. “And if nobody on the ice does anything about it, a soothing ADT operator will come over the loudspeakers, calm everybody down and alert the proper authorities.”

"Before the transplant I was always doubting myself and being kind of a wuss," said Benson. "But now that I have this thick, lustrous mustache, I can do anything! It's only been on my face two days, and I've already demanded a promotion and had sex with the hottest woman in the office."

"Once a forward from the opposing team skates the puck into the neutral zone from their own zone, our players on the ice will all turn towards Jimmy Howard and yell, in unison, 'Look out, Jimmy -- here comes the puck!'" said Babcock. "In the event that it's Jonas Gustuvsson in net, the strategy will likely change to yelling 'Look out, Jonas -- here comes the puck!'"

“I’m embarrassed you guys caught me slacking,” said Toews from his parents’ house in Winnipeg. “Usually I figure eight hours of sleep, two hours for eating, an hour of watching curling and the rest is full-contact scrimmage.”

“Six goals? Six?! It was so boring, there was no defensive play at all,” said the soccer fan. “And how was I supposed to follow the puck? They need to make it glow or something. That would be a genius idea. Televised hockey just doesn’t work.”

The L.A. Kings Stanley Cup run has them more popular than ever, jumping past the WNBA's Sparks and a fictional football team from "Any Given Sunday" as the city's seventh most popular team.

"It's pretty easy for everyone to jump on the bandwagon now," said Gatlin, while pounding a PBR at the Cha Cha Lounge in Silver Lake. "People forget how into the team I was last year, but that's cool. I'm used to this sort of thing."