Big Ten

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a Rutgers source said the university is no longer pursuing politically correct hires. “Clearly we have no skill whatsoever in hiring the right people. So we decided the hire the wrongest person we could find.”

As the Northwestern Wildcats football team gears up for their season opener against Cal on Saturday night, students at the prestigious Evanston college were ecstatic to find their team ranked by AP, the coaches poll, and ESPN, each of whom have them as the 7 multiplied by π best team in the nation (or (4!)-2 in factorials).

After the University of Illinois barely beat Southern Illinois in the Illini first game of the college football season, angry fans and alumni took to Green Street in Champaign. They demanded the firing of head coach Tim Beckman and the rehiring of Ron Zook, who was let go by the university in 2011.

“I want to tell all you hayseeds, rubes and country bumpkins from the bottom of my heart how sorry I am for casting a pall upon your miserable moonshine drinking, roto-tilling, cow-tipping lives,” said Pelini.

"This Penn State program is at the lowest I've ever seen it," said Herbstreit. "How do you let a mediocre Northwestern program come into your house and beat you by 23? It's just unconscionable."

"Fred was nice enough to introduce us to the NBA All-Stars on the Bulls," Niag said. "Derrick Rose taught all of us what it means to be an NBA star and how much work you have to put in ... and how occasionally you need to rest."

Rutgers football coach Greg Schiano made a bold prediction today.