Big Ten

Congratulations to the Indiana Hoosiers for their apparent NCAA championship victory over the down-and-out Fighting Illini at Assembly Hall last night.

When the Ohio State Buckeyes meet the Miami Hurricanes on Sept. 17 there will be much more at stake than just a football game. In an out-of-character move, the NCAA announced the winner of this match-up of corrupt programs will be awarded immunity from any pending sanctions for off-field impropriety. The loser will become the first school since SMU in 1987 to receive the “death penalty.”

In an effort to fill a holiday void of one night without worthless bowl games, the NCAA has reached out to corporate sponsors to create another bowl of little or no significance.

Penn State is requesting an emergency exemption from NCAA policies barring the paying of recruits due to continued fallout from the Sandusky scandal.

"We've just started teaching the girls about rebounding," said Farlucci. "Plus Shaka Smart got $3 million. What am I, chopped liver?"

"Look, I'm as shocked as any of you are," Weber said to a group of reporters. "I don't have any business coaching here, but I'm going to get this program down to mid-major level within a couple of years. At least that's my goal."

NCAA President Mark Emmert handed his organization the feared "death penalty" Monday morning, forcing itself to shut down all operations for four years in light of the Jerry Sandusky Penn State scandal.