In a surprise move today, Rutgers named Bobby Knight its new provost.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a Rutgers source said the university is no longer pursuing politically correct hires. “Clearly we have no skill whatsoever in hiring the right people. So we decided the hire the wrongest person we could find.”
Explained the source, “How could we not hire him? We read his book, ‘The Power of Negative Thinking,’ and just knew we had our man.”
Reached in his one-man fishing boat in Texas, Knight confirmed his new role.
“Yes,” said Knight, “I am the new provost at Rutgers. So in theory I am only in charge of academics. But the hell with that.”
Confided Knight, “I’m taking over the whole damn place – academics, sports, even the dormitory cafeterias. The heck with all this nicey-nice Kumbaya stuff they’ve been trying to do here lately. Everything’s going back to being Big 10 old school.”
“I’m re-hiring Mike Rice, welcoming Julie Hermann with a giant big hug, and anyone who puts on the freshman 40 will be doing 40 laps around the entire campus every morning. And let’s just say … Chris Christie, you’ve been warned.”
Added Knight with a wink, “Best of all, I’m immediately stealing Gordon Gee away from Ohio State to be the new Rutgers president. Even I could learn a thing or two from a guy like him. He’ll fit in perfectly with my new regime.”