Cubs beg MLB to return Astros to the NL Central

"Come on, Bud, send them back where they belong!" Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts shouted while pounding on Commissioner Bud Selig's office door. "Please, please, PLEASE! I'll be your friend since I know you don't have any!" Ricketts pleaded as Selig hid under the desk in his locked, darkened office.

Not one soul in entire universe able to explain why Cubs-Astros series should be...

"Umm, yeah, I'm not so sure," said Cubs owner Tom Ricketts. "I guess the ivy looks kind of nice this time of year."

Selig announces 28 teams will qualify for playoffs next year; Only Cubs and Astros...

While some are complaining that baseball's new expanded playoff format is merely rewarding mediocrity as several .500 clubs chase a postseason spot, Bud Selig is so in love with the new setup that he's opening up the playoffs to all but two teams next season.

Cubs send Astros flowers, ask them not to leave

It became apparent over the weekend that the Cubs suddenly noticed the value of their partners in shame when thousands of bouquets of flowers appeared around Minute Maid park with notes that read: “Gonna miss u. Baby plz don’t go."

From the Lastros to the Cleveland Frowns, The World’s Most Honest Sports Team Logos

Team names are fun, but they don't always accurately reflect a franchise's players and fans. Here at The Heckler, we've created a few alternate names and logos that are more descriptive of the teams they represent.

Baseball gods put ultimate smackdown on Cubs with Astros and White Sox sweeps

The almighty lords of baseball patted themselves on the back this afternoon after finding yet another way to put the hurt on Cubs fans: by forcing them to endure a sweep at the hands of the last place Astros – while watching the crosstown rival White Sox sweep Boston.

Carlos Lee holding clubhouse attendant hostage until he gets more bear claws

Not satisfied by the six large bear claws he’d already eaten, Astros outfielder Carlos Lee has taken a Wrigley field employee hostage until “someone gets him another dozen damn donuts.”